THE SHUTDOWN DIET
Trump says the government’s getting a “much-needed cleanse.” Democrats call it “economic terrorism.” Republicans call it “Tuesday.”
SCHUMER’S TEARS FLOOD SENATE FLOOR
Chuck Schumer reportedly wept after learning the “Committee on Feelings Management” might be shut down. He proposed a new bill to rename the shutdown “a temporary emotional adjustment.”
PELOSI DEMANDS FUNDING FOR HER MIRROR ROOM
Nancy Pelosi vowed to “fight to the Botox” for programs that “reflect our nation’s beauty and progress.” Witnesses say she mistook her reflection for Kamala Harris during the press conference.
MAGA CLEANUP CREW ARRIVES
As Democrats chant “Reopen the gravy train,” Trump grins and waves a Sharpie: “Not until the train stops dumping money into woke puddles.” America cheers. The swamp weeps. The hat stays red.
