THE TRUMPENING: TARIFFS FROM MAR-A-LAGO WITH LOVE
Citing a national emergency and a healthy disdain for globalist gas deals, Trump invoked the Trade Act of 1974 to punish India for swiping right on Russian crude. "They’re importing war," he declared while sipping Diet Coke and posting on Truth Social.
RUSSIAN OIL, INDIAN PAIN
India thought they could sneak in a few barrels of Putin’s finest. Trump responded with a 25% slap on everything from turmeric to tech support. “Namaste? More like Na-mistake,” he quipped.
PENALTIES TO BE NAMED LATER
Alongside the tariff, Trump teased “unspecified penalties,” rumored to include forced rewatching of CNN or being made to explain Kamala’s speeches without laughing.
INTERNATIONAL OUTRAGE, DOMESTIC CHEERS
While globalists clutched pearls, MAGA nation cheered. “Finally, a president who understands that buying oil from a warlord is bad,” shouted a red-hatted economist.
MAGA MIC DROP
“America First means Putin Last,” Trump bellowed. India blinked. Tariffs landed. MAGA laughed. Somewhere, a bald eagle exploded with joy.
