CHINA MEETS THE ORANGE WALL
Trump took to Truth Social like a bald eagle with Wi-Fi, declaring that Beijing’s days of cheap exports are over. The post reportedly caused Xi Jinping to Google “How to handle economic heartbreak.”
XI’S LETTER OF DESPERATION
China’s “extremely hostile letter” to the world read like a bad breakup note—full of threats, tears, and promises to “find itself spiritually.”
EXPORT CONTROL CHAOS
Beijing panicked as Trump announced export controls on critical software. Sources say China tried to retaliate by blocking TikTok dance tutorials.
GLOBALISTS IN MELTDOWN MODE
Gavin Newsom was last seen lighting incense for “international harmony,” while Biden mumbled something about “tariffs being mean.”
TRUMP’S FINAL MIC DROP
“America first means China last,” Trump declared, before walking off to the national anthem and a roaring crowd of job-creating patriots.
