UKRAINE GETS MORE BOOM, LEFT EXPLODES WITH RAGE
At a private dinner with Bibi Netanyahu (where no kale was served), President Trump revealed that the U.S. will send more weapons to Ukraine. Naturally, Democrats demanded an investigation — not into the war, but into why the weapons weren’t gender-neutral.
PROGRESSIVES FURIOUS WEAPONS NOT ETHICALLY SOURCED
White House sources say the weapons will be “defensive,” prompting AOC to panic: “Defensive? Like…walls?! That’s literally fascism!” Chuck Schumer asked if the weapons could at least be painted with rainbow flags to honor Pride Month in Kyiv.
PENTAGON LOW ON STOCKS, DEMS RECOMMEND “POSITIVE ENERGY” INSTEAD
Deputy Press Secretary Anna Kelly confirmed the Pentagon was running low. Bernie Sanders suggested the U.S. replace all weapons with “the power of free universal healthcare and vegan stew.”
TRUMP MOCKS DEMS: “MAYBE WE SHOULD JUST SEND TIKTOK INFLUENCERS”
Trump noted “so many people are dying in that mess” — prompting Gavin Newsom to suggest solving it with an “Emergency Hair Gel Peace Accord.” Kamala Harris offered to visit Ukraine to “explain the concept of war, which is…war.”
TRUMP ENDS STRONG: “WE SEND BULLETS, THEY SEND BUREAUCRACY”
While Democrats push for Ukrainian therapists, Trump sends tools to win wars. “America’s back, baby,” he declared. “And this time, we brought ammo — not pronoun guides.”
