WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what aides are calling “a minor clarification with major consequences,” President Donald Trump announced this week that while deporting illegal immigrants remains a priority, he may begin by deporting something even more deeply embedded in American soil: federal government waste.
Speaking to a roaring crowd at a rally, Trump reportedly paused mid-sentence before adding, “You know what? Maybe we start with the bureaucracy. Nobody’s been here longer. Some of these agencies snuck in decades ago.”
Within minutes, several mid-level federal departments began quietly Googling, “Can a building be deported?” while one assistant deputy undersecretary for Administrative Redundancy was seen shredding a 900-page compliance manual titled Guidelines for Revising the Guidelines.
“This is very concerning rhetoric,” said a senior policy analyst who requested anonymity while packing his ergonomic lumbar support pillow into a discreet cardboard box. “You can’t just remove programs that have been here since 1974. They’ve built lives. They’ve accumulated binders.”
The proposed “Operation Paperwork Return” would reportedly target outdated regulations, redundant agencies, and any office whose primary output is a PDF explaining why nothing can be done. Early leaks suggest entire task forces dedicated to studying the feasibility of forming exploratory committees may be classified as “non-essential residents.”
One administration insider described the move as “historic.”
“We were looking at the numbers,” the aide explained. “Turns out if you deport three million pages of unnecessary regulation, the economy grows two percent just from the freed-up shelf space.”
Critics were quick to object. A coalition of career bureaucrats held a press conference insisting they are “dreamers too.”
“I’ve been here 32 years,” said one emotional program coordinator for Interdepartmental Sustainability Alignment. “I have tenure. I have staplers. I have a pension that depends entirely on meetings continuing indefinitely.”
Meanwhile, taxpayers expressed cautious optimism.
“Honestly, if he deports the Department of Redundant Redundancy first, I’ll personally drive the bus,” said Ohio resident Mark Halvorson. “I’ve seen less paperwork buying a house than applying for a fishing license.”
Faith leaders also weighed in, reminding Americans that redemption is always possible — even for agencies.
“Perhaps some departments simply need to repent,” said Pastor Allen Brewer of Fairfax. “We believe in grace. But also audits.”
As of press time, several agencies were reportedly attempting to qualify for asylum under “longstanding inefficiency protections,” while others began rebranding themselves as “cultural heritage institutions.”
In a final rally flourish, Trump reassured supporters: “We’re not anti-government. We’re just pro-actually-getting-something-done.”
At that moment, somewhere deep inside a federal building, a printer jammed — and for the first time in decades, no one filed a report about it.
