President Declines Invite, Cites “Very Bad Policies” And Unsolicited Pitchforks
Aboard Air Force One, President Trump stunned reporters when he said, “I’ve had enough of South Africa’s Pol Pot cosplay.” Holding a stack of news clippings and a flash drive labeled White Farmers: The Horror, he casually announced the nation might not be worth Air Force One’s jet fuel.
Ramaphosa’s Reality Show Audition Doesn’t Go Well
Sources say Trump presented Ramaphosa with “visual evidence,” which may have included a meme slideshow and a scene from Braveheart. Ramaphosa reportedly responded by blinking 15 times in confusion while yelling, “That’s colonial propaganda!”
Land Reform: Because Owning Things Is Racist Now
The South African policy allegedly involves giving farms to people who’ve never seen dirt before. One official stated, “We’re redistributing opportunity!”—which apparently means turning tractors into lawn ornaments.
Trump Considers Sending Eric Instead, “To Toughen Him Up”
When asked who might represent the U.S., Trump said, “I might send Eric. If he makes it back, great. If not, we tried.” Meanwhile, Don Jr. was last seen Googling “how to fake your own kidnapping in Johannesburg.”
MAGA Diplomacy: Farm Seizures Meet Fire And Fury
Trump closed by reminding everyone, “We like farmers. We don’t like Marxist Monopoly. The U.S. doesn’t negotiate with cow confiscators.” He then unveiled a 300-ft MAGA hat to send in his place—because even his headwear commands more respect than globalist talking points.
