WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what legal watchers are calling The Greatest Judicial Plot Twist Since Everyone Forgot the Mueller Report, the Department of Justice quietly asked a federal judge to toss out the contempt-of-Congress indictment against Steve Bannon — the same case that ended with a conviction and four months of prison in 2024.
Yes, you read that right. After locking up Bannon for defying a subpoena from the January 6 Committee (and after the Supreme Court declined to intervene), the DOJ — now staffed with Trump appointees — wants the whole thing thrown out in the “interests of justice.”
Legal experts were astonished. “I mean, typically you either prosecute someone, or you don’t,” said Professor Norm Albrook of the Very Serious Law Institute. “But you prosecute, convict, prison, then demand dismissal — that’s like giving someone a participation trophy after you’ve told them they lost.”
Bannon was uncharacteristically humble. “Look, I was ready to defend freedom from subpoenas. Then they turned around and defended me from those same subpoenas. It’s like being saved by the same pirate that shot you.”
DOJ attorney Jeanine Pirro filed the motion, noting in her argument that prosecutors have wide latitude to nix charges — even after a jury and judge disagreed years ago. “Prosecutorial discretion, baby,” Pirro grinned at a press gaggle. “We’re keeping it flexible.”
Democrats predictably cried foul, calling the maneuver “an insult to the rule of law,” while Republicans called it “Monday.” Meanwhile, some political scientists are already updating textbooks to include a new chapter: “Governance: When Nobody Knows What’s Going On.”
In related news, a House committee is still trying to hold Bill and Hillary Clinton in contempt for their own Epstein-related subpoenas — which now might be dismissed by Bannon’s new-and-improved doctrine of Justice That Turns in Circles.
No word yet on whether Bannon will return his prison jumpsuit or if the DOJ plans to dismiss the FAA just to keep things consistent, but local judges report floods of confused calls from jurors asking, “So … does this mean we should have just stayed home?”
Final Punchline: Only in DC can you be found guilty, go to prison, then have the government rush in to save you — like a superhero whose only power is perpetual legal ambiguity.
