In what insiders are calling “The Most Patriotic Act of Political Sabotage Ever Conceived,” Republican strategists are reportedly pouring cash, text blasts, and waking nightmares into the Democratic Senate primary — all to boost Rep. Jasmine Crockett. That’s right: conservatives are now officially acting as cheerleaders for a Democrat running against another Democrat.
“We were like, ‘Why not help this one?’ ” one anonymous GOP strategist apparently shrugged behind championship banners. “Because if Crockett wins the Democratic primary, we can absolutely demolish her in the general election. Might as well help her get the job first!” Their strategy reportedly includes ads, text messages, and subtle cues like inexplicable encouragement to vote for someone who thinks ICE is a rogue organization.
This bold new campaign is already confusing Texans at polling places. One voter said, “I got a text this morning that basically said ‘Vote Jasmine — you know you want to!’ then another that said ‘Vote for Talarico — he’s less likely to win!’ I’m now voting for coffee instead.” Political scientists are scrambling to write a paper titled “Why This Is Not Actually a Plan.”
Democrats aren’t pleased. One party official decried the interference as “utter madness,” before politely noting that if Republicans were this committed to helping Democrats even accidentally, maybe they should just hand over the Senate seat now. Meanwhile, Gov. Greg Abbott has reportedly already budgeted $3 million for ads extolling Crockett’s progressive bona fides — because nothing fires up left-leaning primary voters like a red state GOP endorsement.
Down at Crockett HQ, campaign aides are having moments of existential crisis. “We think we’re being helped by the Republicans,” one staffer whispered, “but honestly we’re not quite sure if this is real or we’re all part of a very elaborate reality TV show.” One intern reportedly asked if they should start a GoFundMe for pizza, because nobody understands what’s happening anymore.
Political analysts, apparently humbled by the whole affair, agree on one thing: this is democracy now.
Punchline: At this rate, Republicans may just offer Democrats the compass, road map, and a friendly Uber to Washington, D.C. — because nothing says bipartisanship like a self-guided tour.
