April 11, 2025 – Brussels/Beijing
In a scene ripped straight from a political sitcom, Chinese President Xi Jinping has officially entered “please help me” mode, begging the European Union to join him in resisting President Donald J. Trump’s brutal, beautiful tariff barrage.
After getting smacked with a 145% tariff, Xi frantically summoned Spanish PM Pedro Sánchez, hoping to form a “united front” against what he calls “unilateral bullying.” In other words, Trump made a move straight from The Art of the Deal—and Xi showed up with a coloring book.
China’s Grandmaster of Panic
Xi’s big plan? Whine to Europe that America is being mean. Unfortunately for him, Europe has seen this movie before, and it ends with Trump winning and everyone else quietly pretending they weren’t on China’s team to begin with.
Xi, who once fancied himself a global power player, is now reduced to asking the EU to hold his hand while he sobs about tariffs he absolutely earned. Years of trade cheating, IP theft, and supply chain sabotage finally came due—and Trump sent the invoice with interest.
Trump: Calm, Calculated, Ruthless
While Xi scrambles, Trump is sipping Diet Coke in the Oval Office like a warlord who just secured another kingdom. The 90-day pause for other nations was a chess move. The 145% China tariff? That was the checkmate.
Trump followed The Art of War: “When your enemy is making a mistake, don’t interrupt.” Then he added a Trump twist: “Charge them double for it.”
EU’s Response: “New Phone, Who Dis?”
Despite Xi’s emotional appeal to EU leaders, the bloc’s reaction has been, at best, “Hmmm.” No one’s eager to die on a hill defending China’s right to exploit Western markets. Germany stayed quiet. France blinked. Even Spain just smiled politely and changed the subject to wine exports.
Conclusion: From Emperor to Email Spammer
Xi Jinping used to dream of replacing the U.S. as the world’s top dog. Now, he’s emailing Europe like a rejected LinkedIn connection, hoping someone, anyone, will join his tariff pity party.
Meanwhile, Trump’s tariff offensive rolls on—decisive, strategic, and devastating. In the war of trade, Trump’s playing The Art of the Deal with Art of War precision.
Xi brought a silk robe. Trump brought the receipts.
