Biden's War on Restaurants: "If I Don't Eat There, It Ain't Open"

In a shocking turn of events, President Joe Biden has announced a new executive order aimed at closing down restaurants across the nation. The reason? He simply doesn't like them.

In a press conference that left reporters scratching their heads, Biden declared, "If I don't eat there, it ain't open." The President went on to explain that his dislike for certain types of restaurants, particularly those serving cuisines he's not fond of, prompted him to take drastic action.

"I've never been a fan of sushi," Biden admitted, "so why should anyone else be allowed to eat it?" His logic seemed to suggest that if it doesn't appeal to his taste buds, it shouldn't be available to the American public.

This unprecedented move has left restaurant owners reeling. "It's absurd," exclaimed Tony Marino, owner of Tony's Italian Bistro. "Just because Biden prefers a cheeseburger over spaghetti, he's shutting down Italian restaurants nationwide? That's like me banning aviator sunglasses because I don't like how they look on me!"

The confusion only deepened when it was revealed that Biden's favorite ice cream parlor would remain open, despite the fact that it exclusively serves flavors he enjoys. "Hey, I'm the President," Biden shrugged when questioned about the apparent double standard. "I deserve to have my favorite mint chocolate chip available whenever I want it."

Critics of the President's decision have pointed out the potential economic repercussions of shuttering thousands of businesses based solely on personal preference. "This isn't a monarchy where the ruler gets to decide what everyone can or can't do," remarked economist Dr. Emily Sanders. "It's a democracy, and last time I checked, people like having options when it comes to dining out."

In response to the backlash, the White House released a statement defending Biden's actions. "President Biden believes in leading by example. If he chooses not to patronize certain establishments, it's because he's setting a standard for the kind of businesses that should thrive in America."

Meanwhile, restaurant owners are left scrambling to adapt to the new reality. Some have resorted to renaming their dishes to align with Biden's preferences, offering variations of "Biden Burgers" and "Joe's Jambalaya" in a desperate bid to stay afloat.

As the nation grapples with this bizarre turn of events, one thing is clear: President Biden's taste in food may be dictating the fate of America's dining scene. So if your favorite restaurant suddenly disappears, you know who to blame – the man in the Oval Office who just can't seem to stomach anything outside his culinary comfort zone.

This content is a work of satire and parody. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. Any opinions expressed in this content do not reflect the views of the author or publisher. In fact, they probably reflect the opposite of the views of the author or publisher. The purpose of this content is to entertain and possibly make you question the reality of the world around you. So please, don't take anything too seriously, unless it's the importance of a good laugh.
biden screengrab by is licensed under

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