INTRO: MASSIE OPENS HIS CRYSTAL BALL
On Tuesday, Thomas “Mad Oracle of Kentucky” Massie logged on to X to deliver a chilling riddle to VP JD Vance: “Ask Mike Pence about his last month.” Experts say this was either a prophecy… or a threat disguised as a dad joke.
THE GHOST OF VEEPS PAST
While JD Vance cheerfully asked if any VP has had “this much excitement,” Massie pointed to Mike Pence, last seen clutching a pocket Constitution and screaming “It’s ceremonial!” while being chased by a man in buffalo horns.
JD VANCE RESPONDS: “EXCITEMENT? I THOUGHT THIS WAS APPRENTICE: D.C.”
Vance, who thought “being VP” meant ribbon cuttings and tweeting memes, now realizes he might be cast in the reboot of January 6: The Reckoning, where Trump plays the director… and possibly the executioner.
MASSIE’S PLAN: BECOME THE ANTI-VEEP WHISPERER
Sources say Massie is launching a consulting firm for future Trump VPs. Services include panic room installation, betrayal forecasting, and emergency frisbee training in case of flying subpoenas.
TRUMP RESPONDS: “BETRAYAL? NEVER HEARD OF HER”
As of press time, Trump released a statement saying, “Pence? Isn’t that the coin we used before MAGA Bucks?” before praising Vance as “a great man, totally loyal, until he isn’t, but we’ll see.”
