A Missionary Arrives From The West
MANCHESTER, NH – Fresh off a flight from a state where electricity is considered a luxury good, California Governor Gavin Newsom arrived in New Hampshire this week on a mission of mercy. The governor, looking crisp in a suit that cost more than the average New Hampshire resident’s property tax bill, is reportedly here to help the flagging Biden-Harris campaign by showing the locals what a truly enlightened and progressive paradise looks like.
“It’s a fact-finding mission,” said a Newsom aide, carefully wiping Granite State dust off the governor’s Italian loafers. “The governor wants to find out the facts of why everyone here isn’t already living like they do in California. He’s here to help.”
Newsom immediately launched his charm offensive at a local diner, where he reportedly asked a waitress if the maple syrup was sustainably sourced and inquired about the carbon footprint of the bacon. He later complimented the state on its quaint lack of a state income tax before gently explaining how such a revenue stream could fund vital public art installations and mandatory corporate diversity audits.
The Gospel of The Golden State
During a small rally, Governor Newsom generously offered solutions to problems New Hampshire didn’t know it had. Citing his own state’s stunning successes, he laid out a bold vision for the “Live Free or Die” state.
“You have so much potential here,” Newsom told a crowd of approximately 45 people, some of whom were just trying to get to the post office. “Imagine these beautiful forests, but with fewer trees to make way for high-density, government-subsidized housing. Imagine your energy grid, but with the excitement and unpredictability of rolling blackouts, which really encourage family time away from screens.”
He went on to praise California’s innovative approach to crime, where theft under $950 is treated more like an impromptu shopping spree than a felony. “It’s about equity,” he explained to a confused-looking lumberjack. “We must ask ourselves: does that person need that catalytic converter more than you do?”
Locals React with Polite Bafflement
The response from New Hampshire natives has been one of quiet, stoic bewilderment.
“He told me my pickup truck was a threat to democracy,” said Earl Higgins, a contractor from Concord. “Then he offered me a coupon for a quinoa bowl. Seems like a nice fella, but I think the air’s a bit thin up there where he’s from.”
Another resident, Mary-Anne Poole, expressed confusion after the governor’s advance team surveyed her small business for its plastic straw policy. “They asked me for my shop’s land acknowledgment,” Poole stated. “I told them I acknowledge my landlord, Mr. Henderson, every month with a check.”
Sources confirm that while Newsom is publicly stumping for the current administration, the trip is also a valuable opportunity to test-drive his hair gel in a different climate and gauge whether his brand of West Coast utopianism can sell in a state where people own their own snow shovels. Insiders say he has been practicing his “Man of the People” persona in his hotel mirror, attempting to deliver lines like “I, too, enjoy the changing of the seasons” without sounding like a visiting alien anthropologist.
As his tour continues, Governor Newsom remains confident that with enough PowerPoint presentations and condescending smiles, he can convince the people of New Hampshire to abandon their simple, functioning society for the vibrant, high-cost, low-power utopia he has so expertly curated in California. The state, he insists, is the future—a future where everyone is free to pursue their dreams, as long as the power is on and they can afford the gas to get there.
