Attention, sheeple! Big Pharma and Big Brother have joined forces in a nefarious plot to track your every move – and it's all hidden in the most innocent-looking place imaginable: your yearly flu shot!
Yes, you heard that right. The tiny needle delivering your dose of immunity is also injecting a microscopic tracking device, complete with GPS and Bluetooth capabilities. But don't worry, it's for your own good, of course!
Here are just a few of the "benefits" you can expect:
- Personalized weather alerts: Feeling a sniffle coming on? No problem! The chip will alert the nearest weather station, triggering a localized rain shower just for you (perfect for those who hate carrying umbrellas!).
- Targeted fast-food delivery: Craving a Big Mac after your shot? Fear not! The chip will transmit your location and deepest desires directly to the nearest McDonald's, ensuring your greasy goodness arrives before the first shiver.
- Automatic pet-walking: Worried about leaving Fido alone while you're at work? The chip can be synced with your Roomba, transforming it into a loyal (and slightly dusty) canine companion.
But wait, there's more! The built-in Bluetooth speaker allows for:
- Governmental pep talks: Feeling down? Fear not! The dulcet tones of your local elected official will be beamed directly into your ear, reminding you of your civic duty and the importance of paying taxes.
- Personalized conspiracy theories: Tired of the mainstream narrative? The chip will curate a selection of the latest and greatest conspiracy theories, ensuring your brain is always buzzing with alternative facts.
- Awkward elevator music: Because what flu shot wouldn't be complete without a rendition of "Macarena"?
So, the next time you roll up your sleeve for that annual flu shot, remember: you're not just getting immunity, you're getting a whole new level of government surveillance and questionable music choices. But hey, at least you'll never miss a Big Mac craving again!
