CONGRESS CELEBRATES “PRODUCTIVITY EQUITY”
With the government shuttered for 22 days, Nancy Pelosi declared, “Finally, everyone’s as unproductive as Congress.” Chuck Schumer nodded, reminding reporters, “We didn’t build America — we paused it.”
MEDIA DECLARES TRUMP RESPONSIBLE FOR EARTH’S ROTATION
CNN quickly confirmed that Trump personally unplugged the Capitol’s power supply “to save taxpayer money.” Fact-checkers rated the claim “emotionally true.”
MILITARY PAID IN PATRIOTISM
While soldiers worked without pay, Democrats demanded the Pentagon replace cash with “affirmations of service.” AOC proposed printing “Feelings Bucks” for morale.
AMERICA RUNS BETTER WHEN IT’S CLOSED
Ironically, the only thing still running is Trump’s approval rating. As Pelosi lectures about “shared suffering,” Americans realize the simplest truth: under Trump, even a shutdown works better than Democrats on the job.
