European leaders this week reportedly unveiled yet another visionary security strategy, one designed to reduce dependence on the United States by depending on the United States in a more emotionally sustainable way.
The proposal, nicknamed "Strategic Autonomy with Training Wheels," promises Europe will finally stand on its own two feet—provided those feet remain comfortably inside American combat boots.
Officials described the initiative as "historic," "transformational," and "fully funded by someone else."
"We've reached the conclusion that true independence means America respecting our sovereignty while continuing to pay for our security," explained one smiling diplomat. "Frankly, this is what partnership looks like."
The announcement reportedly included a 742-page framework explaining how Europe could someday defend itself after forming seventeen oversight committees, twelve diversity councils, and a multinational task force to define the word "defense."
Military analysts praised the document for containing maps, flowcharts, and color-coded sustainability metrics, while accidentally omitting ammunition.
A spokesman insisted critics simply "don't understand modern warfare."
"Today's battlefield isn't just about tanks," he explained. "It's about values, inclusion, and ensuring every missile launch receives proper stakeholder feedback."
Meanwhile, NATO planners reportedly unveiled an emergency readiness exercise in which European bureaucrats practiced forwarding emails marked "Urgent" to Washington.
"It went flawlessly," one observer noted. "Within four minutes every request had been redirected to the Pentagon."
American taxpayers expressed cautious optimism after learning Europe would contribute several strongly worded press releases in the event of global conflict.
One Midwestern mechanic summarized the arrangement.
"So... they're leaving our protection by asking us to protect them differently?"
"Exactly," replied an international affairs professor. "You've captured the nuance."
Faith leaders also entered the discussion, reminding everyone that peace comes through strength—not PowerPoint presentations translated into twenty-seven languages.
The proposal concluded with a ceremonial signing beneath a banner reading, United in Shared Responsibility (Terms and Conditions Apply).
Officials celebrated late into the evening before quietly checking whether American aircraft carriers were still nearby.
After all, nothing says strategic independence quite like making sure Dad hasn't left the driveway.
