RAND PAUL THINKS AHEAD — TRUMP DEMANDS APOLOGY
In an act of bold treachery, Rand Paul predicted his own "no" vote before it even happened. “He’s voting no without even seeing the economic miracle this bill is gonna cause!” Trump fumed on Truth Social. “He’s like a psychic, but for losing.”
TRUMP UNVEILS THE BBB: BIGGER, BEAUTIFULLER, BOOMIER
“The BBB is a growth machine, folks. YUGE growth,” Trump declared, cradling a 3-ring binder labeled “Success.” “Rand doesn’t get it. He wants to chop everything. Probably tried to cut his own shadow for being too long.”
PAUL LOVES THE TAX CUTS, HATES THE OTHER 9,000 PAGES
Paul praised parts of the bill like a divorced dad complimenting the casserole. “Sure, the tax cuts are tasty, but this casserole’s got 40 layers of debt,” he whispered while holding the Constitution like a crucifix.
TRUMP ACCUSES PAUL OF “ECONOMIC SABOTAGE” AND “BASIC MATH”
“Rand’s ideas are crazy. Like spreadsheets and accounting,” Trump scoffed. “I don’t want numbers — I want numbers that FEEL good.”
ONLY ROOM FOR ONE VISIONARY
As Paul begged for fiscal logic, Trump crowned himself “The King of Growth” and proposed building a golden debt ceiling — “Just so Rand can stare at it and weep.”
