A Modest Proposal for a Better Tomorrow
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a move that has economists frantically checking if their calculators have a setting for infinity, a coalition of progressive think tanks today unveiled a comprehensive ten-year budget proposal designed to solve literally every problem facing humanity. The price tag for this ambitious blueprint, titled “A Future Where Everything Is Nice,” comes in at a tidy $47 trillion, a figure organizers have described as “a bargain when you think about it.”
The plan, compiled by the Center for Ambitious Social Transformation (CAST), consolidates every major progressive policy initiative of the last decade into a single, easy-to-read pamphlet featuring extensive use of the font Comic Sans.
“For too long, we’ve been bogged down by questions like ‘How will we pay for this?’ and ‘Is that more money than has ever existed?’” said CAST spokesperson Aspen Nightingale at a press conference held at a local kombucha brewery. “We’re proposing a paradigm shift where we focus on the goal—a perfect society—and treat the cost as more of a 'to-do list item' for later.”
The Economics of 'Just Do It'
The $47 trillion figure, which experts note is roughly double the current U.S. national debt, covers a wide range of popular programs. Highlights of the proposed expenditures include:
- Medicare for All, Plus Dental and Aura Cleansing: $15 trillion
- The Green New Deal: A cool $12 trillion for a complete overhaul of the nation’s energy, transportation, and building infrastructure. The plan also includes a federal program to provide every American with a complimentary reusable tote bag.
- Universal Basic Income and Forgiveness of Everything: $10 trillion to provide every citizen a monthly stipend and erase all student loans, credit card debt, and awkward memories from high school.
- Free College and Post-Graduate Emotional Support: $5 trillion to ensure every American can obtain a doctorate in Interpretive Dance without financial burden, complete with federally-funded counselors to help them process the job market afterward.
- Miscellaneous and Sundry Utopian Projects: $5 trillion reserved for things like high-speed rail to every cul-de-sac, a government agency to ensure all online arguments are conducted in good faith, and a strategic avocado toast reserve.
Funding the Dream
When questioned on the funding mechanism for the multi-trillion-dollar proposal, Nightingale explained that the plan would be financed through a series of innovative and, until now, completely theoretical revenue streams.
“First, we’ll ask the rich to pay their fair share,” she stated, pausing for applause that did not come. “Then, we’ll ask them again, but more sternly. After that, our plan calls for a series of 'Wealth Realignment Initiatives,' which include a 110% tax on income over $1 million, a 'Super-Duper-Yacht Inconvenience Fee,' and a federal bake sale.”
Dr. Theron Finch, a professor of Post-Structural Economics at Bard College, praised the plan’s audacity. “Traditional economics is a patriarchal construct designed to limit our potential,” Dr. Finch explained via a Zoom call from his sabbatical in Bali. “This budget transcends such petty concerns as 'scarcity' and 'reality.' It operates on what we call 'aspirational accounting,' where if you want something badly enough, it becomes fiscally viable through the power of intention.”
According to the CAST proposal, any remaining budgetary shortfall will be covered by the Federal Reserve, which will be instructed to “turn on the big printer and just let it run for a while.”
A Nation Holds Its Breath (and Its Wallet)
Reaction to the plan has been mixed. Critics, mostly killjoys and math tutors, have pointed out that the total cost exceeds the annual economic output of the entire United States several times over. Supporters, however, have hailed it as the first honest budget ever produced.
“Finally, a plan that doesn’t nickel and dime our dreams,” said one supporter holding a sign that read, “Numbers Have A Well-Known Right-Wing Bias.”
As the nation digests the proposal, ordinary citizens are left to wonder what a $47 trillion future would look like. CAST assures everyone it will be wonderful, and that any resulting hyperinflation is a small price to pay for a society where student debt and bad vibes are finally a thing of the past.
