LONDON — In what historians are already calling The Great Purge of the Middle, British politics has boldly outlawed centrism by legal fiat after Prosper UK — the new centrist-leaning political movement — stumbled straight into a trademark dispute on day one of its existence.
Critics of the centrist marque had repeatedly warned that trying to prosper in modern politics was a fool’s errand. But few expected the movement’s most existential threat would come not from its enemies on the left or the right — but from a 100-year-old private business that already owned the name "Prosper".
“It turns out centrism doesn’t just have no coherent policy platform,” said one unnamed Conservative MP, “it doesn’t even have exclusive intellectual property rights. Honestly, even our critics don’t want to claim the center.” When asked to define centrism, another aide shrugged and pointed to an empty room. “It was just here a moment ago.”
The trademark row exploded after Prosper UK’s founders — including ex-Tory powerhouse Baroness Davidson — learned they might be legally barred from telling voters they care about jobs, housing, and competence. Prospects for persuading voters to support a moderate agenda now hinge on whether centrism is still allowed in the UK’s political lexicon, or merely in trademark petitions.
In an unrelated development, Conservative leader Kemi Badenoch affirmed that her party doesn’t want centrism, has never wanted centrism, and will happily return anyone who mistakenly wandered into the political middle back to the fringes immediately. “If you want a diet of centrism,” Badenoch reportedly said, “you can join a gym. But don’t try to run a party on it.”
Opposition parties were quick to celebrate, with one Green MP promising to introduce a Centrism Preservation Act. When asked whether that bill had any legal teeth, the MP said, “No, but that’s kind of the point.”
Political analysts are now studying whether the trademark dispute might evolve into a full-blown constitutional crisis, a reboot of the monarchy, or simply a new category of British cuisine. For now, though, the center is not merely not holding — it’s out of legal bounds.
Final Punchline: At this point, centrism in Britain is so radioactive that even its own name can’t get a trademark. But don’t worry — the hard right has plenty of other names it’s ready to steal instead.
