PEACE THROUGH PURCHASE ORDERS
In Brussels, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth preached that real peace comes from strong “capabilities,” otherwise known as “buying more missiles made in Texas.” Witnesses say his speech was so moving that even the German finance minister started weeping into his calculator.
ALLIES GUILTED INTO GREATNESS
Sources confirm Hegseth handed out emotional “Thank You For Your Contribution” stickers to any country pledging more cash. France responded by offering “thoughts and prayers in francs.”
THE NEW PURL OF FREEDOM
The “Prioritized Ukraine Requirements List” now lets allies purchase weapons instead of getting them free. Experts say it’s like GoFundMe for global conflict, only with fewer refunds.
PUTIN'S NIGHTMARE: RECEIPTS
Hegseth declared, “You get peace when you’re strong,” as accountants nodded gravely, calculating interest rates on democracy.
MAGA MIC DROP
Analysts agree: Trump would’ve sold peace wholesale—two tanks for the price of one, made in America, blessed by God, and delivered by a bald eagle.
