[WASHINGTON, DC] — The art of diplomacy has always been subtle: soft whispers in dark rooms, careful treaties, the occasional handshake. But the new “deal or no deal” style being championed by Donald Trump’s administration is nothing if not direct: give us the Ukraine combo — Crimea + Donbass — and we’ll throw in a ceasefire on the house.
This week, Washington rolled out a 28-point peace proposal that looks less like policy and more like a drive-thru menu at a fast-food joint. The offer? Hand over large swathes of Eastern Ukraine, cut your military back to fit the “small fries” slot, and — voilà — you can have “peace” with a side of guaranteed NATO-exclusion. According to insiders, the aim is to have Kyiv “order up” the full package by Thanksgiving.
In what some are calling record-breaking speed diplomacy, a Ukrainian delegation reportedly “agreed to the deal” just days after it was offered, prompting Washington to dispatch envoys to Moscow and Kyiv for final touches.
One U.S. official allegedly told reporters: “The Ukrainians have accepted. We just need to dot the i’s and cross the t’s.” Another added, “It’s like they finally realized the value menu is becoming full price.”
Meanwhile, Ukrainian leaders are reportedly trying to consult European allies — but most were never asked for their opinion in the first place. And Russia? Reportedly “delighted” to receive a plan that lets them keep Crimea, while getting global legitimacy for their conquests.
The punch-line: in a world where war has been raging for years, the solution apparently boiled down to one swift “combo order.” Why bother with long negotiations, when you can text your demands like a late-night Uber Eats request?
So next time your peace plan comes with a price tag — and geopolitics increasingly feels like fast food — you might want to check the fine print. Because in this kitchen, the special of the day may cost a lot more than you think.
