THIS JUST IN: WAR BAD FOR STUFF
In an absolutely stunning revelation, financial analysts admitted they’re “totally stumped” as to why a full-blown military conflict involving Iran, Israel, and potential U.S. intervention might rattle oil prices. One expert reportedly burst into tears after learning war impacts the economy.
MISSILES IN THE GULF? TIME TO CONSULT THE MAGIC 8-BALL
With Iran threatening to block the Strait of Hormuz (aka the gas station of the planet), analysts heroically shrugged and said, “Let’s wait and see!” PVM’s John Evans described the mood as “a blanket of unease,” which is financialese for “We’re just guessing, Karen.”
TRUMP CALLS FOR SURRENDER, MEDIA CALLS FOR THERAPY
President Trump demanded Tehran's unconditional surrender, prompting legacy media to clutch their pearls and scream “warmonger” between soy lattes. Ayatollah Khamenei, in turn, promised “irreparable damage,” right before boarding a private jet to his underground crystal fortress.
CNBC REPORTS: SKY MAY OR MAY NOT FALL
Despite five straight days of missile launches, economic “experts” still aren’t sure if oil might go up, down, or teleport into the metaverse. One anonymous source whispered, “Honestly, we just copy-paste from ChatGPT at this point.”
TRUMP ERA STRATEGY: ENERGY DOMINANCE > ENERGY GUESSING
While Biden-era analysts nervously read tea leaves, MAGA nation calmly stocks up on Texas crude, drill-baby-drill hats, and common sense. Because in Trump’s America, we don’t guess about oil — we own it.
