THE MELTDOWN BEGINS
In a scene resembling a rejected Real Housewives episode, California Governor Gavin Newsom stormed into federal court, waving his emergency restraining order like a vegan protest sign. His plea? Stop President Trump from sending 4,000 National Guardsmen to restore order in his riot-ravaged utopia.
CLINTON-APPOINTED JUDGE DELIVERS THE SMACKDOWN
Shockingly, Judge Charles Breyer — yes, even a Clinton appointee — denied Newsom’s tantrum. “Even I couldn’t justify this circus,” Breyer allegedly muttered, while Newsom was last seen Googling “how to impeach federal judges.”
THE GUARD IS COMING
With 4,000 troops inbound, Angelenos finally have hope someone will stop the “mostly peaceful” torchings. National Guard commander quipped: “We’ll need hazmat suits — the woke nonsense is airborne here.”
NEWSOM’S NEXT MOVE: DRAMATIC THEATER
Newsom announced an “Emergency TikTok Vigil” to mourn democracy’s supposed death, featuring interpretive dance by woke influencers chanting, “Orange Man Deploys Bad.”
TRUMP TRIUMPHS AGAIN
President Trump celebrated: “Once again, I clean up Gavin’s disasters. California loves me. Even the surfboards are voting MAGA!”
