TRUMP CROWNED NATO’S UNIVERSAL DADDY
In a moment that will be remembered by historians and therapists alike, NATO Secretary-General Mark Rutte referred to President Trump as “daddy” — officially ending decades of international dignity. “Daddy has to use strong language,” Rutte reportedly muttered, while reaching instinctively for a pacifier and asking for apple juice.
RUTTE BACKTRACKS, SPIRALS INTO TIME-OUT
Caught in a swirl of global giggles, Rutte quickly clarified: “I didn’t mean to call him daddy like that, more like, you know, metaphorical paternal oversight.” European leaders nodded while clutching their stuffed animals and whispering, “We just want Daddy to love us.”
EUROPEANS NOW COMPETE FOR PATERNAL APPROVAL
Sources confirm Germany has started drawing crayon pictures of tanks with smiley faces labeled “For Daddy Trump.” Macron reportedly offered to wash The Beast limo by hand if Daddy would attend his baguette brunch.
TRUMP LEANS IN, DEMANDS ‘DADDY ENERGY’ FROM ALL ALLIES
At a press conference, Trump smirked: “Being called Daddy? Best compliment ever. I’ve always said NATO needs a strong father figure — and I’m not talking about sleepy Joe!”
MAKE NATO GREAT AGAIN: DADDY’S IN CHARGE NOW
Trump closed the summit declaring, “This family’s back together, baby. And Daddy’s bringing the belt of liberty.” NATO saluted. France cried. And the world took its first nap in years, knowing Daddy was back.
