Literary World Breathes Sigh Of Relief As No Unvetted Opinions Make The Cut
NEW YORK, NY — In what critics are calling a “fearless affirmation of the status quo,” the National Book Foundation today announced its finalists for the prestigious 2023 National Book Awards. The selections represent a bold collection of authors who have dared to write books reinforcing ideas that every member of the awards committee already holds, ensuring a ceremony free from the discomfort of encountering a new thought.
“Our goal this year was to elevate voices that challenge, provoke, and deconstruct,” said a fictional committee chair, Dr. Aris Thorne, adjusting their reclaimed-wood-frame glasses. “And we found five authors who courageously challenge the things we all decided were bad last year, provoke conversations we’ve already had a thousand times on Twitter, and deconstruct systems that none of our friends work for.”
The finalists, celebrated for their groundbreaking perspectives, include titles that have been praised for their “urgent” and “necessary” messages, which are already the subject of at least three dozen podcasts and a recurring segment on NPR.
This Year's Brave Finalists
The nominees for fiction were lauded for their searing originality:
- The Quinoa Silences: A multigenerational saga about a Brooklyn family torn apart by the discovery that their great-grandfather once owned a non-organic farm. The novel is told from the perspective of an heirloom tomato.
- He/They/Hiraeth: A 700-page, stream-of-consciousness novel about a non-binary archivist who experiences generational trauma after finding a misgendered garden gnome at a flea market.
The nonfiction category was praised for its unflinching look at topics familiar to anyone with a sociology degree:
- The Carceral Cul-de-Sac: Prison Abolition and the Suburban Dream: An academic text arguing that gated communities are functionally identical to maximum-security prisons, just with better landscaping and more oppressive homeowner associations.
- Our Bundt Cake, Our Burden: A poignant memoir from a queer couple in Vermont detailing the emotional labor involved in running a polyamorous, artisan bakery while simultaneously dismantling their own internalized capitalism.
The sole poetry finalist is a collection titled Land Acknowledgement in D Minor, a series of sonnets about the author’s profound guilt for enjoying a pumpkin spice latte on colonized land.
A Rigorous Vetting Process
Sources within the foundation confirmed that the selection process was the most rigorous to date. Each potential finalist’s social media history was reportedly scrutinized back to 2008 to ensure they had never expressed enjoyment of a problematic movie, laughed at an unapproved joke, or used the term “guys” in a gendered, non-inclusive way.
A minor controversy reportedly erupted when one potential nonfiction finalist was found to have tweeted in 2012 that they were “not a huge fan of cilantro.” The committee deliberated for nine hours before disqualifying the author for promoting culinary intolerance.
“We simply cannot reward a palate that is not intersectional,” Dr. Thorne explained. “Taste is a social construct.”
The awards ceremony is scheduled to take place next month at a carbon-neutral venue. Attendees will be seated according to their privilege score, and the entire event will be catered by a non-hierarchical, vegan food collective. The trophies themselves have been hand-carved from the wood of a naturally fallen tree that was, sources say, “very progressive.”
“It’s just refreshing,” said one literary agent. “For once, we can celebrate great literature without worrying that the author might have a different opinion about something. It’s a truly safe space for art.”
