HOLLYWOOD — In a move that’s got popcorn sellers clutching their kernels and remote-control manufacturers updating firmware, actress Kristen Stewart declared her intention to “make films in Europe and then shove them down the throat of the American people.”
Yes, you read that right. Stewart, known for dazzling audiences with her brooding glances and occasional misread cue cards, has now set her sights on cinematic world domination — from the continent that invented existential angst and unpronounceable subtitles.
“I just want to make films where people stare silently into empty café chairs for 47 minutes,” Stewart announced at a press event brimming with European decor and zero audience enthusiasm. “Then, we’ll ship them back here and shove them down your throats gently — like a cross-cultural espresso.”
Insiders say Stewart’s upcoming slate includes masterpieces such as The Oyster That Thinks Too Much, A Man and His Barely Functional Bicycle, and the aptly titled Why Are You Not Crying Yet? — a three-hour treatise on emotional ambiguity shot entirely in Esperanto.
Her strategy appears to hinge on radical reinterpretation of “blockbuster.” No explosions. No chase scenes. Mostly people expressing inner turmoil while eating charcuterie. A source close to Stewart explained, “We’re not here for plot. We’re here for the vibe.”
Moviegoers across America responded with a mix of bafflement and begrudging curiosity. One viewer tweeted, “If she’s shoving it down our throats, does that come with a refund policy?” Another wondered whether theatres would be required to serve complimentary black coffee during screenings to enhance the European experience.
Hollywood studios — ever eager to cash in on trends — are reportedly preparing tie-in products like Silent Film Watching Glasses, Croissant-Scented Candles, and Pretentious Dialogue Bingo Cards. One executive said, “We’ve cornered the market on films where nothing happens and everyone thinks deeply.”
Meanwhile, traditional moviegoers are reportedly stockpiling popcorn and demand refunds if a foreign pretzel isn’t included with their ticket purchase. “I didn’t pay $15 for emotional ambiguity,” complained one concession stand customer, “I wanted explosions and existential dread!”
Critics have already begun debating whether this new wave of cinema constitutes a cultural gift or an artistic hostage situation. Sociologists chimed in that audiences might simply embrace the contrast — after all, who wouldn’t enjoy two hours of scenic shots of rainy boulevards punctuated by silence so deep you can hear your own thoughts?
Stewart’s closing remark at the press junket: “If cinema doesn’t make you feel like you have unresolved feelings, what is cinema?” she mused, raising a baguette in solemn tribute.
Americans are advised to brace their throats — and maybe keep a soda handy.
