They Can’t Handle the Trump
Trump took a break from golfing and saving the Republic to torch the Wall Street Journal’s latest fantasy novel. “They have NO IDEA what I think!” he thundered, proving once again that guessing Trump’s next move is like predicting Kanye’s next album—impossible, hilarious, and probably world-shaking.
“Anonymous Sources” Strike Again
According to “three anonymous sources” (aka Larry from HR, a vending machine, and Joe Scarborough’s ghostwriter), Trump is itching to launch missiles. But only after consulting his Magic 8-Ball and checking if Iran still exists.
“I Might. I Might Not. Who Knows?”
Asked about a potential strike, Trump replied, “Would you like a printed itinerary, too?” He then vanished into a puff of red, white, and blue smoke while humming the Apprentice theme.
The Journal Goes Full Psychic Hotline
WSJ apparently thinks Trump walks into the Situation Room and blurts, “Hey fellas, here’s my secret plan—leak it to the press!” Next scoop: Trump will nuke Mars, says insider who once delivered his Diet Coke.
MAGA Mic Drop
Trump’s final Truth Social post read: “If I strike Iran, it’ll be YUGE. But until then, stay tuned—and Wall Street Journal? Get better sources. Or at least a Ouija board.”
