CARNEY BACKS SPACE SHIELD AFTER THINKING IT WAS A GIANT CLIMATE BUBBLE
In a press conference full of confusing metaphors and half-sipped oat milk, Prime Minister Mark Carney backed Trump's Golden Dome. When asked why, Carney said, “It sounded inclusive. And very, very gold.” Critics say he thought it was a climate dome shaped like Greta Thunberg.
TRUMP ANNOUNCES LASERS, CARNEY OFFERS MAPLE LEAF STICKERS IN SUPPORT
President Trump revealed his $175 billion laser-laced, freedom-fueled missile defense plan. Carney eagerly nodded, offering to contribute “apology tokens, carbon credits, and several moose.” Meanwhile, CNN warned the lasers might offend rogue missiles with low self-esteem.
CANADA TO PAY BILLIONS WHILE STILL DEBATING IF ARMY SHOULD HAVE SNOWSHOES
Despite not having basic arctic defense or enough bilingual helmets, Canada will pour tens of billions into the Golden Dome. Carney said, “It’s a good-faith gesture to our neighbors. Also, we like the name. Sounds like a Bond villain’s vacation home.”
WOKE ACADEMICS PANIC AS SPACE DEFENSES BECOME ‘TOO STRAIGHT’
Harvard scholars quickly declared the Golden Dome “an act of intergalactic patriarchy.” AOC posted a TikTok calling for a progressive asteroid shield powered by feelings and fermented tofu. Gavin Newsom offered to let enemy missiles sleep in California’s spare bedrooms.
CONCLUSION: TRUMP BUILDS LASER DOME, CANADA PAYS — LIBERALS SCREAM INTO REUSABLE BAGS
America gets lasers. Carney gets confused. The left gets hysterical. Another day, another Trump win. The Golden Dome rises, and somewhere in Ottawa, someone’s crying because their missiles don’t feel safe anymore.
