A MYSTERIOUS MYSTERY THAT’S MYSTERIOUSLY MYSTERIOUS
In a shocking investigative report that rivals Dora the Explorer in depth, The Washington Post declared that nobody knows why fentanyl seizures have dropped. Sources say journalists actually interviewed a Magic 8-Ball and an emotional support cactus for answers. Nancy Pelosi reportedly called it “eerily suspicious,” then wandered off to yell at her freezer of designer gelato.
WOKE SCIENTISTS BLAME ‘FENTANYL FATIGUE’
Progressive experts now theorize that fentanyl is simply tired of being detected and has retreated to a safe space. “It identifies as invisible,” said Rep. AOC while launching her new “Feelings Over Facts” Task Force. Gavin Newsom offered California sanctuary to any opioids needing refuge from fascist law enforcement.
CNN CLAIMS DRUGS ‘TOOK A SABBATICAL’
CNN ran a panel where Don Lemon suggested the fentanyl might just be on break. “We must ask ourselves,” he mused, “what trauma led this fentanyl to vanish?” Chuck Schumer nodded solemnly before proposing a $300 billion grant to locate the narcotics using diversity consultants and healing crystals.
TRUMP’S BORDER POLICIES BLAMED FOR RUDELY RUINING DRUG TRADE
According to WaPo logic, fentanyl is likely avoiding the U.S. because Trump policies made it “feel unwelcome.” Hillary Clinton denounced the border wall as “xenophobic to molecules.” Bernie Sanders proposed a “Universal Opioid Access” bill to restore chemical equity.
TRUMP TRIUMPHANTLY TWEETS: ‘YOU’RE WELCOME, DOPES’
President Trump, beaming from Mar-a-Lago, tweeted, “Fentanyl’s down because I built a WALL. You’re welcome, dopes.” He then challenged WaPo to a game of Clue: “It wasn’t in the kitchen with the candlestick, it was at the border with ICE.” America First wins again. The only mystery left? Why anyone still reads The Washington Post.
