In a solemn press briefing held between catered lunches and sensitivity training sessions, federal officials warned Americans this week that democracy itself is in grave danger—unless Washington is immediately granted more authority over daily life, personal choices, and thoughts that occur before breakfast.
According to the statement, the American people have proven “historically incapable” of managing freedom without constant oversight from agencies staffed by people who once failed a high-school civics test but now possess laminated badges.
“Freedom is fragile,” explained one senior official, adjusting three masks and a pronoun pin. “And the best way to preserve it is by limiting it in controlled, government-approved amounts.”
The warning follows growing concern inside the capital that citizens are asking unauthorized questions, attending unapproved churches, and—most alarming of all—raising children without consulting a federal advisory board.
Officials insist the new measures are not about control but about “protecting democratic norms,” a phrase helpfully defined as “whatever we need it to mean today.”
“We’re not taking away your rights,” said another spokesperson. “We’re simply placing them in a secure holding facility where they can’t hurt anyone.”
Critics noted that the same people claiming democracy is under attack also seem deeply offended by elections that don’t go their way. Government leaders dismissed this observation as “misinformation,” which is now legally defined as “something we’d prefer you not notice.”
The proposed safeguards include expanded monitoring of speech, enhanced regulations on family decision-making, and an updated civics curriculum explaining that the Constitution is more of a “vibe” than a document.
One policy draft reportedly recommends replacing the phrase “We the People” with “We the Experts,” calling it a necessary update for a “post-freedom society.”
Faith leaders expressed concern that the government’s definition of democracy appears to exclude churches, parents, and anyone who believes truth exists outside a federal press release.
“Democracy works best when people obey,” said an unnamed official. “And nothing says liberty like compliance.”
The announcement concluded with a reminder that any opposition to the plan would be viewed as further evidence of why the plan is needed.
At press time, Americans were reassured that the government’s solution to saving democracy involved trusting the very institutions everyone has been losing faith in—because nothing restores confidence like insisting harder.
