INFLATION IS THE NEW LIBERTY: EMBRACE THE PAIN
In a shocking twist, the Fed stunned America by announcing they will heroically fight inflation by… letting it get worse. Powell, now moonlighting as a stand-up comic, said, “We expect a meaningful amount of inflation—because meaningless inflation is so 2023.”
MATH IS A RIGHT-WING CONSPIRACY
Despite inflation numbers showing softness, the Fed gazed into its Magical Diversity Crystal™ and declared “revisions upward,” because reality is racist. They also forecast fewer rate cuts, prompting mortgage lenders to offer tissues with every loan quote.
CORE PCE = PURE COMEDY EXCELLENCE
Economists were baffled to learn that core PCE inflation (a.k.a. the part of inflation nobody feels in real life) is rising, while groceries remain excluded—because everyone eats air now, obviously.
POWELL UNLEASHES FULL SCHUMER MODE
In a press conference powered by smugness, Powell said, “We’re keeping rates high to scare inflation away.” Critics noted this is like punching your bank account to prevent obesity.
TRUMP VOWS: “WHEN I’M BACK, POWELL GOES BACK TO MATH CLASS”
MAGA Nation erupted with laughter and fury. One red-hatted patriot shouted, “Next thing you know, they’ll forecast higher taxes to stop debt!” Trump promised that under his return, “Interest rates will kneel before greatness—and gas will be $1.50 again.”
