In a stunning turn of events that experts are already calling peak woke logic, anti-ICE protest leaders unveiled their latest demand this weekend: traffic lights must only turn red for migrant-driven SUVs.
“We’ve studied it carefully,” proclaimed Self-Proclaimed Movement Director Brittany Forward, speaking to a crowd of about 15 on Zoom while holding her coffee mug with a slogan that read ‘Red Means Stop the Patriarchy’. “If the state is going to stop people from crossing arbitrary lines — like roads without crosswalks — then those same roads must be decolonized of amber lights and replaced with a traffic system that only inconveniences migrant SUVs.”
Forward cited newly “unearthed” footage circulating on social media that supposedly shows standard commuter cars breezing through intersections unbothered while migrant SUVs linger at yellows for several seconds — an injustice she claimed was proof of systemic light bias. “Where’s the equity in that?!” she yelled at a stop sign that immediately turned green, allegedly in solidarity.
The protest — which consisted mainly of chants like “More Green For Me!” and “All Hummers Go Free!” — was briefly interrupted when a Prius rolled through a non-operational crosswalk, prompting organizers to blame the car’s participation in capitalism and demand immediate reparations from the manufacturer.
Local police, caught off guard by the traffic demands, tried to explain that traffic lights operate on timers and sensors, not social justice algorithms. “They told me my demands were ‘illogical,’” Forward later tweeted. “Clearly, they are part of the problem.” When asked what specific scientific model traffic lights should follow, she answered: “The woke cube theory — it’s like a Rubik’s Cube, only every side is wrong until we decide it’s right.” No further clarification was provided.
Among the most controversial parts of the proposal are gradient-based lights, which wouldn’t just be red, yellow, or green; they would also include shades like ochre for restorative stops, chartreuse for reflection, and the CEO of Lyft’s favorite shade, millennial pink for intersection apologies.
City planners were reportedly stunned. “We thought we’d seen it all,” said one city engineer, who asked to remain anonymous. “Then someone wanted pedestrian crossings that only work during full moons… This is an upgrade by comparison.”
Meanwhile, a local mother, watching traffic from her porch, said: “Honestly, I don’t care who gets stuck at a red light, as long as it’s equitable.” Her neighbor, whose truck had been waiting at the intersection for four minutes straight, disagreed vehemently. “I just want it to change so I can get coffee,” he muttered.
In response, anonymous traffic light programmers have reportedly begun experimenting with AI-generated algorithms that consider emotional intent and socioeconomic impact before changing lights. City officials aren’t sure it will work, but organizers are already calling any failures examples of oppressive code. They’ve declared war on turn signals next.
Final punchline: Traffic signals should be rebranded “Intersection Equity Engines,” because nothing says justice like making us all late to brunch.
