America’s top universities announced a sweeping curriculum overhaul this week, proudly declaring a shift from “outdated expectations of knowledge” to a more enlightened academic model: Feelings First Education, where students’ emotional impressions now outrank facts, logic, and occasionally gravity.
Administrators say the change reflects student demand for an environment where learning outcomes never challenge self-esteem. “We discovered finals week was causing stress,” said one dean, “so naturally, we removed finals. And midterms. And anything else that required reading.”
Under the new system, students can pass courses by accurately describing their emotional reaction to a subject, even if they have never encountered the subject in question. A physics major demonstrated the updated standard proudly: “I don’t know what quantum tunneling is,” she admitted, “but I sense its energy. And that should be enough for an A.”
Professors, too, have welcomed the change. “I used to spend 20 hours a week grading,” said one anthropology instructor. “Now I just ask, ‘How does this assignment make you feel?’ If the student cries, that’s extra credit.”
To ensure fairness, universities are also introducing the Vibe Verification Office, which will adjudicate disputes between students and professors. “If a student feels they deserve a higher grade,” an administrator explained, “we will honor that feeling because feelings are the ultimate truth — unless they’re religious.”
Not all faculty approve. One math professor, speaking on condition of anonymity, warned that abandoning objective evaluation may cause long-term harm. However, his comments were dismissed when he admitted he “felt uneasy,” triggering a restorative circle to help him process his problematic reliance on numbers.
Parents paying $90,000 a year for this revolution expressed mixed reactions. One mother said, “I was worried my son wasn’t learning anything. But after hearing he got straight A’s based entirely on his intuitive understanding of chemistry he’s never studied, I feel… well, I feel something.”
University leaders insist this will produce a new generation of graduates prepared for the modern workforce — assuming the workforce is mainly composed of therapeutic goats.
Punchline: The first Feelings-First commencement ceremony will award every student the same degree: Bachelor of Arts in Whatever You Think You Deserve.
