ECONOMISTS RISE FROM TED TALK GRAVES TO SOUND THE ALARM
In a terrifying show of unity, 300 economists—last seen politely disagreeing over pizza toppings—joined forces to warn Congress: “Don’t let the Trump tax cuts expire, or we’ll all be living in Bernie’s vision board.” Stephen Moore led the economic Avengers, wielding spreadsheets and tax brackets like nunchucks.
FEDERAL JOBS DYING, SMALL BUSINESSES LIVING—CHAOS ENSUES
Trump's efforts to reduce government are reportedly "working," with federal jobs dropping like CNN ratings. Democrats are scrambling to rehire every EPA intern and paperclip supervisor. One anonymous Democrat sobbed, “We were this close to creating a Department of Diversity in Road Signs!”
IF TAX CUTS EXPIRE, MIDDLE AMERICA TO BE RAIDED BY IRS ON HORSEBACK
Economists warned of a future where millions will face “the largest tax hike in history,” meaning working-class families might have to cancel one of their three streaming services. “This isn’t just math,” said Moore. “It’s freedom algebra.”
MEDIA SHOCKED TO DISCOVER 300 PEOPLE EXIST OUTSIDE NPR
Mainstream outlets struggled to process the concept of 300 economists not begging for more government spending. MSNBC reportedly had to call in a crisis therapist. “We thought all economists lived in Brooklyn and taught socialism with a side of sourdough,” one intern admitted.
TRUMP DECLARES: ‘TAX CUTS FOREVER, GOVERNMENT NEVER!’
In a statement, Trump said, “We gave the people their money back. And they used it to buy boats, trucks, and ammo—REAL AMERICAN STUFF.” He added, “If Biden gets his way, we’ll be taxed for breathing and barbecuing.”
