Nation Relieved as DWC Unveils Sweeping Agenda to Fix Everything
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Americans worried about trivial issues like grocery bills and the price of gasoline can finally breathe a sigh of relief. The Democratic Women’s Caucus (DWC) on Tuesday unveiled a comprehensive policy agenda designed to tackle the nation’s most pressing crises by focusing on what truly matters: making sure every piece of federal legislation includes a land acknowledgment and a trigger warning.
The 400-page document, titled “A Womxn’s Vision for an Equitably Curated Tomorrow,” outlines a bold path forward that completely sidesteps messy topics like the national debt and foreign policy in favor of more urgent priorities, such as the de-gendering of traffic lights and a federal subsidy for ethically sourced, artisanal tote bags.
“For far too long, the legislative process has been dominated by cis-hetero-patriarchal concerns like ‘budgets’ and ‘infrastructure,’” said Caucus Chairwoman Brenda Shields (D-CA) at a press conference held in a newly consecrated safe space inside the Capitol Building. “Our agenda recognizes that true progress is impossible until we have federally mandated pronoun introductions at the beginning of all congressional hearings.”
A Plan for the People (Who Agree With Us)
The agenda is broken down into several key pillars, each more vital than the last:
- Economic Justice: The DWC plans to combat inflation by launching a nationwide task force to investigate the gender pay gap among TikTok influencers. The caucus also proposes replacing the dollar bill with a new currency called “Equity Vouchers,” which can be redeemed for fair-trade coffee and books on critical race theory.
- Climate Action: The plan addresses climate change by calling for a ban on all blue-colored baby shower decorations, which perpetuate harmful gender stereotypes and, according to a footnote, “upset the spiritual harmony of the planet.” Further proposals include replacing the entire White House lawn with a sustainable permaculture garden for growing kale and indigenous herbs.
- Healthcare for All: The Caucus’s healthcare plan guarantees free, universal access to healing crystals and aromatherapy sessions. “Western medicine has its place, I suppose,” explained Rep. Shields, “but has a surgeon ever tried to realign your chakras? Our plan recognizes that a robust public option must include reiki masters and certified life coaches.”
Bipartisan Concerns Politely Ignored
While the DWC celebrated its visionary document, some observers expressed confusion, asking how these proposals would help average families struggling with rising costs.
“I had a voter ask me how renaming post offices after feminist poets was going to lower the price of eggs,” one moderate Democrat was overheard whispering to an aide. “I just told him to check his privilege and walked away.”
Rep. Shields addressed these concerns head-on. “Some people, mostly men, will look at our agenda and ask, ‘How does this create jobs?’ or ‘How does this secure the border?’ To them I say: you are asking the wrong questions. The right question is, ‘How can we decolonize the concept of a border while creating green union jobs for non-binary border facilitators?’ It’s right there on page 274.”
The plan also includes the “Equal Grievance Opportunity Act,” which would establish a new federal department to ensure all public monuments are equally disappointing to at least 15 different identity groups. An attached appendix lists several statues for immediate removal, including the Lincoln Memorial, which it argues is “problematic due to its stoic, masculine posture.”
At the conclusion of the press conference, caucus members celebrated by participating in a group scream-therapy session to release any lingering trauma from having to exist in a world where not everyone agrees with them. They assured the public that once their agenda is passed, the economy would immediately stabilize, the climate would heal itself, and everyone would finally learn to love one another, or be sent to mandatory re-education seminars until they did.
