WASHINGTON, DC — In a move economists are calling “creative accounting,” a newly minted federal bureaucracy calling itself DOGE Government — not to be confused with the old crypto dog — announced yesterday that it had “terminated 78 wasteful contracts” and “saved taxpayers $335-million.” Naturally, it followed up by promising a “weekly Friday update” of more budget-saving magic.
A spokesperson for DOGE Government claimed the cuts targeted “redundant services,” “bureaucratic fluff,” and “projects that achieved nothing beyond generating PowerPoint slides.” When asked for examples, the spokesperson said: “If we were still running contracts to print multilingual existential-crisis pamphlets for troubled youth who still watched Disney+, those are gone. If someone once got paid to measure humidity in national parks — poof.”
Democrats and legacy media — those fickle critics — responded with outrage. “This is reckless,” fumed one senator. “We cannot dismantle programs we don’t fully understand.” Another demanded a “sunlight” hearing, just in case the cuts were “a sneak attack on public services.”
Meanwhile, libertarian-leaning budget hawks reportedly bought popcorn. “Finally,” said one insider, “a government that cuts before spending more.” Others quietly queried whether the new cuts would include the very press briefings now outraged by the cuts.
DOGE Government, riding high on its newfound fame, said the Friday updates will now include “taxpayer laughs per dollar saved.” The first installment promises a bold metric: “Smile ratio per cancelled contract.” Sources say that after release, morale at the agency shot through the roof — mostly because the morale had been built on conference-call donuts and redundant compliance memos.
A White House adviser summarized the mood best: “We didn’t realize how many contracts were just dress-up. Turns out we had a whole ball-gown section of bureaucracy — and we just showed it the door.”
Conclusion: Government waste met the meme-era budget police — and for once, the taxpayer didn’t get canceled.
