Experts Baffled By Medical Anomaly That Coincides Perfectly With Election Cycles
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Leading epidemiologists are scrambling to understand a baffling new medical condition that appears to be exclusively affecting Democratic politicians, causing targeted memory loss specific to stances held during the tumultuous year of 2020. The ailment, dubbed 'Post-Progressive Amnesia Syndrome' (PPAS) by researchers at the fictitious Institute for Conveniently Forgotten Opinions, seems to erase any recollection of ever having supported, chanted, or tweeted the phrase 'Defund the Police.'
'It's a remarkable phenomenon,' explained Dr. Alistair Finch, a lead researcher who definitely exists. 'Patients present as fully functional, except when shown video evidence of themselves from four years ago calling for the dismantling of law enforcement. They exhibit genuine confusion, often asking, 'Who is that handsome, misguided person? Surely not me.''
The outbreak was first identified after dozens of city council members, mayors, and congressional representatives who once championed redirecting police funds to community kombucha brewing initiatives began inexplicably voting for massive increases to police budgets. When confronted, they denied ever having held their previous positions.
'Look, I’ve always been a 'Fund the Police' guy,' stated area Councilman Kevin Albright, who in 2020 famously proposed replacing the city's SWAT team with a squad of highly trained social workers armed with dialogue journals. 'Any photos of me holding a sign to the contrary have clearly been manipulated by Russian bots. Or maybe it was a themed costume party? 2020 was a weird year, I forget.'
Symptoms and Prognosis
The primary symptom of PPAS is a sudden, unshakable belief that one has always been a tough-on-crime centrist. Other indicators include:
- An abrupt fondness for police ride-alongs.
- Referring to former activist allies as 'the radical fringe.'
- The complete inability to recall the existence of Seattle's 'CHAZ' or 'CHOP' zone.
- Claiming their Twitter account was in the possession of a rogue intern from 2020 to 2022.
Local resident Brenda Mays, 58, expressed her confusion over the councilman's newfound memory issues. 'It's strange, because I remember him marching down my street with a megaphone,' she said, dusting off a 'Re-Imagine Public Safety By Firing All Cops' pamphlet with Albright’s face on it. 'He handed me this. Said it was the only path to justice. Now he's posing for photos with the police chief and talking about 'law and order.' I'm worried about him.'
Dr. Finch notes that the condition appears to be cyclical. 'The memory loss is most acute in the months leading up to a major election,' he observed, pointing to a chart. 'We see a dramatic spike in 'Fund the Police' rhetoric every October in an even-numbered year. Thankfully, it seems to be a temporary condition. The prognosis for a full return to their previous positions by next spring is excellent.'
The Democratic National Committee has reportedly begun a task force to study the affliction, stating they are 'deeply concerned' and hope to find a cure, preferably sometime in late November after all votes have been counted.
