Congressional Democrats unveiled emergency legislation Monday aimed at addressing what experts describe as a growing threat to democracy: Americans having too much fun at the same time.
The proposal follows a weekend of patriotic celebrations, military flyovers, sporting events, and public gatherings that reportedly caused severe discomfort among professional political commentators.
According to the newly formed Committee for Responsible Emotional Outcomes, excessive displays of national pride may create unrealistic expectations about the country.
"We cannot allow citizens to experience unregulated optimism," said committee chair Representative Willow Greenfield. "History shows that whenever Americans start smiling together, somebody eventually forgets to be angry online."
The legislation would establish federal limits on public enjoyment and require permits for gatherings exceeding three consecutive hours of happiness.
Under the proposal, every patriotic event would be paired with a licensed fact-checking tent where attendees could process positive emotions in a safe environment.
Activists immediately praised the effort.
"For years we've warned about joy inequality," said organizer River Skylark. "Some Americans were having a wonderful weekend while others were busy posting fifteen-part threads explaining why nobody should be having a wonderful weekend."
Political scientists noted that the measure could dramatically reduce outbreaks of spontaneous gratitude.
One professor warned that citizens exposed to prolonged appreciation for their country may begin believing institutions can occasionally accomplish something useful.
"That kind of thinking spreads quickly," he explained.
Meanwhile, cable news panels worked around the clock to determine whether barbecue gatherings represented a constitutional crisis.
Several networks interrupted normal programming to interview experts on the dangers of backyard patriotism.
One analyst suggested that displaying the American flag without simultaneously apologizing for something could be interpreted as a gateway behavior.
The White House declined to comment directly but reportedly sent lawmakers a fruit basket labeled "Thoughts and Prayers for Your Buzzkill."
Faith leaders expressed concern over the legislation.
"Joy is generally considered a good thing," said Pastor Daniel Reeves. "The government regulating happiness seems slightly ambitious."
The remark was immediately denounced as reckless optimism.
At press time, lawmakers were drafting a companion bill requiring all fireworks displays to include a mandatory fifteen-minute discussion about systemic concerns before the grand finale.
