Members of Congress unveiled a sweeping new redistricting proposal Tuesday that would redraw not only congressional maps, but potentially entire continents, time zones, and parts of the moon to ensure “fair and balanced representation.”
The proposal emerged amid escalating legal battles over congressional maps ahead of the 2026 elections.
Lawmakers from both parties insisted the changes are necessary to protect democracy from the dangerous unpredictability of actual voters.
“Look, democracy is sacred,” explained one state legislator while aggressively coloring districts with a red Sharpie. “That’s why it’s important elected officials choose their voters very carefully.”
Under the new proposal, several swing districts would reportedly stretch across three states, two rivers, and a Buc-ee’s parking lot.
One district in California now resembles “a salamander having a panic attack.”
Political scientists praised the effort as “a beautiful example of modern bipartisan corruption.”
Meanwhile, activists on both sides accused each other of weaponizing democracy.
Republicans claimed Democrats were manipulating district lines to create permanent progressive majorities.
Democrats responded by accusing Republicans of racism, authoritarianism, and insufficient enthusiasm for electric scooters.
At one point, negotiations reportedly collapsed after lawmakers could not agree whether suburban yoga instructors count as a protected minority group.
To settle disputes peacefully, congressional leaders proposed using AI to design future districts based entirely on voter vibes.
The software immediately drew one district shaped exactly like Nancy Pelosi pointing at a vineyard.
Citizens across the country expressed confusion over the increasingly bizarre maps.
“I used to vote in Ohio,” said one resident. “Now apparently I live in the Greater Northern Appalachian Coastal Equity Region.”
Election officials confirmed the district includes portions of Kentucky, Delaware, and one Trader Joe’s.
Experts say modern gerrymandering has become so advanced that some districts now contain voters who technically haven’t been born yet.
“This is about maximizing representation,” said one consultant. “And by representation, I mean ensuring incumbents never experience personal growth.”
To educate the public, schools will soon offer a new civics curriculum explaining that democracy means “everyone gets a voice, provided the district lines cooperate.”
At press time, lawmakers announced plans to redraw congressional maps one final time after discovering several districts accidentally contained independent voters.
