WASHINGTON, D.C. — After years of warning that humanity was one cow burp away from extinction, billionaire climate crusader Bill Gates shocked followers Monday by announcing that the world might, in fact, survive.
In a memo titled “Three Tough Truths About Climate,” Gates clarified that “the view that civilization will be destroyed by climate change is wrong,” noting that this new conclusion was reached after “further reflection and better quarterly returns.”
The tech mogul, who once funded a plan to dim the sun, now says such measures may be “unnecessary at this time,” though he didn’t rule out “future sunlight adjustments pending investor interest.”
Climate activists expressed confusion, with one Greenpeace official asking if they should “still be gluing themselves to runways or just hit ‘snooze’ on the apocalypse.”
At publishing time, Gates was reportedly brainstorming a new initiative called Windows for the Planet, a campaign to reboot the Earth and fix the climate by turning it off and back on again.
