Washington D.C. - In a move that surprised absolutely everyone, including himself, President Joe Biden announced his re-election campaign today. The 82-year-old, facing record inflation and a nation on the brink of a banana peel shortage, declared, "Folks, I ain't done yet! There's still malarkey to bust, ice cream to eat, and stairs to fall down in style!"
The announcement, made during a press conference held in the Oval Office's newly installed ball pit (a safety precaution after Biden's recent tumble), was met with a mixed bag of reactions. Democrats, clutching their complimentary "I Still Bid with Biden" bumper stickers, cheered, albeit with a slight cough and a wistful glance at Bernie Sanders' retirement villa. Republicans, meanwhile, responded with a collective shrug and a muttered, "Well, at least he's not Trump, right?"
The campaign slogan, "Make America Great Again… Again… But This Time, Maybe With a Nap?" has already been met with some controversy. Critics argue it lacks originality and smells faintly of desperation, like a used car salesman offering free teeth whitening with every purchase.
Biden's campaign promises are bold, if not entirely coherent. He vowed to "bring down the price of everything, except for those little jellybean candies I like," "build a wall… around the ice cream freezer," and "make America the number one exporter of presidential gaffes."
His key campaign strategy? Photo ops. Picture Biden riding a Segway through a field of sunflowers, serenading a group of senior citizens with a ukulele solo, and, of course, shaking hands with the Easter Bunny at the White House Easter Egg Roll (fingers crossed he doesn't confuse the bunny for a giant marshmallow).
The road to re-election won't be easy. Biden faces a potential primary challenge from Kamala Harris, who, tired of being stuck in the "waiting room" presidency, has finally decided to seize the reins (or at least the teleprompter). Meanwhile, the Republican Party is in a frenzy, with candidates like Ron DeSantis promising to "drain the swamp" (and then fill it with gators), Marjorie Taylor Greene vowing to "investigate the lizard people who stole my nose," and Kanye West, still riding the wave of his "Yeezy for President 2024" campaign launch, promising to "make America great by turning the White House into a giant Yeezy store."
So, will Biden defy all odds and secure a second term? Only time (and a whole lot of Oval Office naps) will tell. But one thing's for sure: this election promises to be one wild ride, filled with more twists and turns than a roller coaster designed by Salvador Dali. Just grab your popcorn, hold on tight, and pray Biden doesn't confuse the nuclear launch button with the ice cream dispenser.
Disclaimer: This article is satire and not intended to be taken seriously. Please consult a qualified professional if you experience side effects such as uncontrollable laughter, sudden urges to buy ice cream, or an overwhelming desire to build a wall around your own freezer.
