In a shocking turn of events, the Biden administration has unveiled a groundbreaking immigration policy: from now on, only felons will be allowed to enter the United States. This bold move has left many scratching their heads, wondering if the White House has decided to take the term "criminal justice reform" to a whole new level.
President Joe Biden, known for his moderate stance on most issues, made the announcement during a press conference that was overshadowed by confused stares and awkward coughs from the press corps. "We've analyzed the situation carefully, and after much deliberation, we've come to the conclusion that the best way to address immigration is to let only those with a criminal record through our borders," Biden declared with a straight face, leaving the nation in disbelief.
The rationale behind this baffling decision, according to White House insiders, is to bolster the economy by tapping into the untapped potential of convicted criminals. "We believe in second chances," Biden asserted, as he gestured towards a PowerPoint slide titled "The Path to Prosperity: Embracing Felons." The slide depicted smiling cartoon characters wearing orange jumpsuits, apparently thrilled at the prospect of being welcomed into the land of opportunity.
But critics were quick to point out the potential pitfalls of such a policy. "It's just absurd," remarked Senator Smithson, a Republican from Texas. "Are we really going to prioritize felons over law-abiding citizens? What's next, a mandatory crime quota?"
Meanwhile, confusion reigned at border checkpoints as Customs and Border Protection officers struggled to determine who qualified as a felon. "It used to be so simple," lamented Officer Rodriguez, shaking his head. "Now we're supposed to let in the guy who robbed a bank but turn away the grandmother with a valid visa? This is madness."
As chaos ensued, the internet exploded with memes mocking the administration's newfound obsession with felons. One popular image featured Biden holding a sign that read, "Welcome to America: Home of the Felonious." Another showed a group of confused migrants scratching their heads at a "Felons Only" sign posted at the border.
Despite the backlash, the Biden administration remained steadfast in its commitment to the policy. "We understand that change can be difficult," Vice President Kamala Harris assured the public in a hastily arranged interview on CNN. "But rest assured, we have the best interests of the American people at heart. And if that means filling our streets with convicted criminals, then so be it."
In the end, only time will tell whether the "Felons Only" immigration policy will go down in history as a stroke of genius or a colossal blunder. But one thing is for certain: America's reputation as a beacon of freedom and opportunity has never been more... questionable.
