In what surely ranks among the cheeriest calls from the South Lawn since the invention of the presidential selfie, the generous couple Michael Dell and Susan Dell strode into the White House bearing a holiday gift basket of $6.25 billion — earmarked for 25 million American kids under ten, each getting a $250 “Trump Account” contribution.
It’s the kind of yuletide spirit the Founders never envisioned: instead of sharing how we “safeguard liberty,” we hand out preloaded debit cards marked “Made America Great Again.” At the press conference, the president thanked the Dells for their “extraordinary act of kindness, patriotism, and charity.” And one has to admire the efficiency: a single presidential grab-and-go event delivered more holiday cheer than a lifetime of virtue-signaling op-eds.
Still, one can’t help but wonder who picked the ZIP codes. Because nothing says compassionate capitalism like calcium-shaped math and postcode profiling — eligible kids had to live in zip codes where median income is less than $150,000. So if your kid lives in a neighborhood with, say, $149,999 median income — Merry Christmas! — but cross the street and suddenly no more bonus bucks.
Just imagine the household conversations: “Sweetie, open your stocking — oh look, we got exactly $250. And Jimmy over there got $0 because his zip code is a little too fancy.” It’s like a reverse socialist re-distribution: treat the poor kids better than the “too successful” ones.
And to top it all, the name “Trump Account” suggests lifelong loyalty: future millennials whining about inflation can blame... well, their first $250.
Final punchline: Move over Santa Claus — now the richest guy in the lobby has to worry about audit trails and zip-code eligibility. Merry budget surplus, America!
