In the wake of President Trump’s record-setting 108-minute State of the Union address — a speech so long the teleprompter asked for a bathroom break — the White House unveiled the Spin-nado 3000, a state-of-the-art narrative machine designed to generate winning takes faster than reality can catch up.
“We realized after the speech that Twitter threads weren’t enough,” said White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt, who reportedly posted 32 celebratory tweets in 59 seconds — a new world record for patriotic optimism. “So we built something that literally refuses to acknowledge facts.”
Leavitt demonstrated the device in action: a sleek console with flashing lights, giant red buttons labeled “Victory!” and “Absolutely True Regardless,” and one ominous lever simply marked “DEFY.”
“Press ‘Victory!’ and Spin-nado generates 10,000 perfectly positive hot takes per millisecond,” Leavitt explained. “Press ‘Absolutely True Regardless,’ and it retroactively edits reality. And if anybody tries to fact-check? Well…” she pulled the DEFY lever, and the entire room suddenly began loudly agreeing that interest rates were actually negative, regardless of charts.
One internal memo reportedly leaked from the White House West Wing praised the Spin-nado as “a truth accelerator that turns whoppers into whoppier facts and gives statistical confidence intervals a confidence spike.” A Pentagon AI ethics advisor responded incredulously: “This is like using a jet engine to pull carrots out of the ground.”
Spin-nado’s debut came minutes after the administration claimed the SOTU was both the longest speech in history and the most widely endorsed ever, despite a CNN poll showing widespread confusion about what was actually said. In fact, when asked if the economy was stronger after the speech, one audience member responded, “I think so? I slept through half of it.”
Critics argue that Spin-nado is just a souped-up version of “shitposting,” but supporters say it will improve civics literacy by replacing facts with feelings — because, as one conservative blogger put it: “Who needs a real economy when you can have an emotional GDP?”
Senate Democrats were reportedly baffled by the new machine, with one senator stating, “Is this just Twitter on steroids or did someone accidentally build the Borg Cube of public relations?”
In a final bombshell, Leavitt announced that Spin-nado will soon be made available for purchase by everyday citizens — with one stipulation: buyers must delete any web browsers capable of displaying dissenting viewpoints.
The administration insists Spin-nado is not propaganda, but rather “patriotic interpretive performance art.” A spokesperson concluded: “There’s truth, and then there’s patriotic truth, and patriotic truth wins Olympic gold.”
