The Department of Energy announced Tuesday that all future AI data centers must now comply with new federal “Emotional Sustainability Standards,” requiring every server farm to maintain a calming atmosphere for nearby progressive activists.
The initiative comes after several climate groups complained that large AI facilities created “aggressive masculine energy” by consuming electricity without first acknowledging indigenous weather patterns.
According to officials, the new standards will require data centers to install meditation gardens, gender-neutral cooling systems, and at least one “restorative crystal dome” for every 5,000 GPUs.
“We cannot continue allowing artificial intelligence to consume energy in such a colonizer-coded manner,” said Energy Equity Czar Madison Fernbrook while standing beside a windmill painted in transgender pride colors. “Electricity should flow through communities consensually.”
The regulations reportedly emerged after activists protested a proposed Texas data center because the backup generators “triggered eco-anxiety among local yoga instructors.”
Federal engineers clarified that the new rules will not reduce computing capacity because AI systems will instead operate on what officials call “affirmation-assisted electricity.”
“Traditional electricity is rooted in oppression,” explained White House technology adviser Rowan Gleason. “Our new system allows servers to draw power from community encouragement circles and interpretive dance.”
The administration also announced that every AI chatbot must now pause before answering politically sensitive questions in order to “reflect on systemic harm.”
One prototype AI assistant reportedly refused to generate a spreadsheet until the user acknowledged the emotional labor of Microsoft Excel.
Meanwhile, several tech companies expressed concern that the rules may slow innovation.
A Silicon Valley executive speaking anonymously admitted the policy had created “minor complications.”
“We used to build data centers near power plants,” he said. “Now we have to build them near vegan poetry collectives.”
To address growing energy demand, the government also unveiled a pilot program converting abandoned malls into “inclusive quantum empowerment hubs.” Former food courts will reportedly house servers cooled entirely by reusable NPR tote bags soaked in oat milk.
Critics argue the policy could increase energy costs nationwide, though administration officials dismissed those concerns as “financial negativity.”
“We need to stop measuring prosperity in dollars,” said one federal spokesperson. “The real economy is measured in vibes.”
The White House further reassured Americans that occasional blackouts are actually beneficial because they encourage “mindful stillness.”
Several major universities immediately endorsed the plan.
Harvard’s newly formed Center for Ethical Feelings in Computing released a statement praising the administration for “deconstructing the oppressive binary between electricity and darkness.”
At press time, the nation’s largest AI server farm had successfully achieved carbon neutrality by unplugging itself entirely.
