Reporters Laud ‘Brave’ New Data That Perfectly Aligns With Everything They Already Believed
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In what is being hailed as a major victory for confirmation bias, several prominent media outlets eagerly reported on a groundbreaking new poll this week showing that 98% of Americans want to replace the Lincoln Memorial with a statue of a gender-neutral poetry slam participant. The poll, which also found that a majority of voters believe the economy could be fixed by replacing the dollar with ethically sourced kombucha, was later revealed to be the creation of a man in his basement who admitted his entire methodology was “just vibing.”
The data came from the newly formed “Consensus Analytics & Research Directorate,” or CARD. The poll’s findings were breathlessly shared across social media by journalists who praised its “unflinching look” at the American electorate. One cable news host dedicated an entire segment to the finding that 8 in 10 suburban mothers were willing to trade their minivans for a flock of emotional support chickens.
“These numbers are staggering, and they confirm what we in the Beltway have suspected all along,” declared one network’s senior political analyst, adjusting his glasses with gravitas. “The American people are tired of the old ways. They are crying out for a government that provides free college, universal avocado toast, and a high-speed rail line connecting every single artisanal coffee shop in the country.”
The Methodology: A Pot of Tea and a Dream
The illusion of rigorous data collection was shattered Wednesday afternoon when CARD was revealed to be the work of one Todd Fink, a part-time blogger from Akron, Ohio. Reached for comment, Mr. Fink explained that he founded CARD after his internet went out for an afternoon.
“I got bored, so I made up a name that sounded official and started typing numbers into a spreadsheet,” Fink explained while watering his houseplants. “My entire sample size was me. I asked myself if I thought pronouns should be included in the national debt ceiling. I answered ‘Probably,’ so I wrote down that 72% of independents agreed. I added a 3.5% margin of error because it sounded professional.”
Fink’s other bombshell “findings” included:
- A majority of Americans (65%) believe the primary role of the Supreme Court is to “harsh the nation’s mellow.”
- More voters trust a Magic 8-Ball for foreign policy advice than they do elected officials.
- Support for defunding the police triples if the money is reallocated to building more Trader Joe's locations.
He emailed his “press release” to a list of two dozen reporters, half of whom ran the story within the hour without a single follow-up question.
A Deeper, Emotional Truth
When confronted with the fact that the poll was entirely fabricated, newsrooms that ran the story were largely unrepentant. The editor of one online political journal released a statement clarifying their position.
“While the numbers provided by Mr. Fink may not have been subjected to traditional, outdated methods of verification—like, for instance, asking another human being—they reflected a deeper, more essential truth about our society,” the statement read. “The data may have been fake, but the feelings were real, and our job is to report on the real feelings we feel are real.”
An on-air panel discussion hastily convened to address the controversy concluded that the real story was the “dangerous cynicism” of individuals like Fink who would use “deceptive tactics to trick journalists who are working tirelessly to validate a pre-approved narrative.”
“This is a classic case of bad-faith actors attempting to discredit the hard work of our nation’s fact-checkers,” argued a media ethics professor from a university whose journalism school was recently renamed The Center for Narrative Justice. “If the media can’t trust a press release with a fancy logo, what can they trust?”
As of press time, Mr. Fink has received two book offers and an invitation to deliver the keynote address at a conference on journalistic standards. Meanwhile, several of the outlets that published his findings have already cited a new poll from an organization called “Verifiable Statistics, Inc.” which claims that 100% of Americans have completely forgotten about the fake poll already.
