In a move officials are calling “compassionate governance” and critics are calling “a group therapy session nobody asked for,” the White House announced a brand-new federal holiday dedicated entirely to helping Americans emotionally recover from recent election results.
The holiday, officially titled National Democratic Processing and Healing Day, will encourage citizens to pause all productivity, sit quietly with their feelings, and refrain from “dangerous activities” such as checking social media, reading dissenting opinions, or making eye contact with relatives who voted differently.
“Democracy is hard,” explained one senior administration official while gently ringing a mindfulness bell. “And when democracy doesn’t feel the way you want it to feel, the government has a responsibility to step in with emotional guardrails.”
Under the new guidance, federal employees will receive a paid day off along with a digital “Feelings Validation Packet” that includes breathing exercises, affirmations, and a printable certificate confirming that their emotions are both valid and historically significant. Private businesses are “strongly encouraged” to comply, though officials clarified that “strong encouragement” may include audits, emails, and subtle public shaming.
One White House spokesperson reassured reporters, “This is not about politics. This is about mental health, emotional safety, and ensuring that no American is forced to encounter reality before they’re ready.”
Schools nationwide are already preparing. Several districts announced lesson plans focused on identifying “micro-disappointments,” while history teachers were instructed to avoid discussing any elections before 2035 “or until everyone feels better, whichever comes later.”
Some Americans embraced the announcement wholeheartedly. A college sophomore described the holiday as “literally healing,” adding, “I’ve been emotionally exhausted ever since the electoral map refused to match my Instagram feed.” Another supporter praised the free government-issued weighted blanket, noting it “really helps when facts feel aggressive.”
Not everyone was convinced. One small business owner asked why emotional recovery wasn’t covered by existing weekends. “I process my feelings on Sundays, like a normal American,” he said. “Do I get a holiday every time my preferred candidate loses, or is that only for people with blue checkmarks?”
Faith leaders were more diplomatic, reminding congregations that resilience and humility were once considered virtues. “There was a time when losing an election meant you regrouped and prayed,” one pastor noted. “Now it apparently requires federal intervention and a nap.”
By the afternoon, administration officials confirmed they are already considering follow-up observances, including National Day of Post-Debate Decompression, Collective Voter Trauma Awareness Week, and a possible Emergency Feelings Shutdown should future polls cause distress.
Final Punchline:
At press time, the White House assured Americans that democracy is still alive and well — it just needs a therapist, a safe space, and a few billion dollars in funding.
