The White House unveiled its most ambitious climate initiative yet this week, announcing a comprehensive federal framework designed to “bring weather patterns into alignment with progressive values and long-term political messaging.”
According to administration officials, the new plan—unofficially titled Weather Responsibility and Equity Now—will require all future storms, droughts, heat waves, and cold snaps to “coordinate more closely with approved narratives” before occurring.
“For too long, extreme weather has acted independently, often contradicting the story we’re trying to tell at any given moment,” said one senior climate adviser, speaking on condition of anonymity while standing in front of a chart showing a very angry-looking sun. “This plan ensures consistency, predictability, and compliance.”
Under the proposal, hurricanes will be asked to submit impact statements at least 72 hours before landfall, while heat waves must limit themselves to election years only. Snowstorms, meanwhile, will be strongly discouraged from occurring during speeches about global warming.
“Look, we’re not saying weather can’t exist,” explained another official. “We’re just saying it needs oversight.”
The plan also establishes a new federal agency—the Bureau of Atmospheric Accountability—tasked with monitoring clouds, winds, and temperature fluctuations for signs of ideological extremism. Weather events that deviate from expectations may be flagged for “narrative misalignment.”
Critics raised concerns about enforcement, particularly regarding weather patterns that refuse to cooperate. Administration officials responded swiftly, assuring the public that penalties would be mostly symbolic.
“If a blizzard happens after we say winters are getting warmer, we’ll just issue a strongly worded report explaining why the blizzard is actually proof of warming,” said one spokesperson. “This is settled science.”
Supporters hailed the plan as a bold step forward, noting that previous climate strategies relied too heavily on citizens changing their behavior rather than nature adjusting itself.
“Frankly, it’s time weather met us halfway,” said a prominent environmental advocate. “We’ve regulated cars, cows, stoves, and childhoods. Why should clouds be exempt?”
The initiative also includes a $12 billion public awareness campaign reminding Americans that whatever the weather does, it’s definitely humanity’s fault—and probably caused by someone driving a pickup truck.
Faith leaders offered mixed reactions. Some praised the administration’s optimism, while others gently reminded officials that controlling the weather has historically been “above the government’s pay grade.”
Still, White House officials remain confident.
“By 2030, Americans will enjoy safer, fairer, more inclusive weather,” said the president in closing remarks. “And if not, we’ll just redefine what ‘safer’ means.”
The announcement concluded as aides hurried indoors to escape an unexpected cold front, which officials later confirmed was “working through the transition process.”
