The Vatican issued a sweeping warning this week about artificial intelligence replacing human dignity, moral reasoning, and meaningful work — prompting Congress to immediately ask AI to handle all three instead.
Pope Leo XIV released the Church’s first AI-focused encyclical, cautioning world leaders against allowing machines to dominate society or reduce humans into “mere programmable consumers.”
Within hours, lawmakers in Washington unveiled the bipartisan Efficiency Through Algorithms Act, which would reportedly allow AI systems to write legislation, deliver press conferences, and issue pre-approved emotional reactions on social media.
“Frankly, Congress hasn’t read bills in years anyway,” said Senator Mark Holloway while refreshing ChatGPT for a fourth campaign slogan. “This just removes the middleman.”
The proposed system, nicknamed “GovGPT,” would instantly generate legislation based on polling data, donor priorities, and whatever hashtags are trending on TikTok among unemployed sociology majors.
Officials insist the technology will save taxpayers billions while eliminating “dangerous human variables” like principles and memory.
“The Pope is worried AI might dehumanize society,” explained one Silicon Valley consultant advising the administration. “But have you met Congress lately? We’re mostly automating what’s already there.”
The White House reportedly became enthusiastic about the plan after AI successfully drafted a 3,400-page infrastructure bill in under seven seconds using only the phrases “equity,” “resilience,” and “historic investment.”
Staffers admitted nobody noticed a difference.
Meanwhile, federal agencies are rapidly embracing AI integration. The Department of Education announced a pilot program allowing AI chatbots to grade student essays based entirely on emotional tone and victimhood density.
The Pentagon is reportedly testing autonomous drones capable of identifying threats by scanning social media posts for excessive patriotism.
“We’re entering a beautiful new era,” said one Pentagon official. “Soon warfare itself can become carbon neutral and emotionally inclusive.”
Religious leaders across denominations expressed concern that society appears increasingly willing to surrender judgment, truth, and responsibility to machines programmed primarily by caffeine-addicted coders in San Francisco loft apartments.
“Human beings are created in God’s image,” said Pastor Daniel Reeves of Dallas. “Meanwhile, AI is apparently being created in the image of Reddit moderators.”
Corporate America, however, welcomed the transition enthusiastically.
Major retailers announced AI-generated customer service representatives capable of apologizing for “historic harms” in 97 languages while still failing to answer basic questions about refunds.
Hollywood studios also celebrated the Vatican controversy by greenlighting twelve new films written entirely by algorithms trained on Marvel scripts and MSNBC panic segments.
Critics warn the rapid expansion of AI could eventually eliminate millions of jobs, destabilize society, and blur the line between truth and manipulation.
Tech executives reassured Americans those concerns are exaggerated.
“Sure, AI may eventually replace journalists, teachers, customer service workers, and half the federal government,” said one executive. “But thankfully, it still can’t replicate authentic human creativity.”
Moments later, the AI generated three Netflix documentaries, four presidential speeches, and an entire season of late-night comedy mocking rural Christians.
At press time, Congress announced plans to ask AI whether the Constitution still “aligns with current community standards.”
