In a move that will surely go down in every diplomatic textbook and every TikTok political parody, President Donald J. Trump announced that eight European NATO allies will face a 10% tariff starting next month — rising to 25% by June — unless they agree to sell Greenland to the United States.
Yes, you read that right: Denmark, the UK, France, Germany, Sweden, Norway, the Netherlands, and Finland now have the choice between economic punishment or the privilege of giving America complete ownership of their prized Arctic island. Trump boldly explained to reporters that tariffs are simply “America’s salsa steps toward peace,” because nothing says transatlantic harmony like punishing your closest allies for defending democracy.
A furious Keir Starmer told Trump that slapping tariffs on countries defending their own sovereignty is “completely wrong.” Incidentally, Starmer also noted that diplomacy should involve, you know, talking instead of trade tantrums.
Meanwhile, the EU is reportedly preparing retaliatory measures — including counter-tariffs and possibly inviting Greenland to a NATO potluck dinner where the potato salad is way too salty. European leaders weren't sure if this was actually diplomacy or just a weird Super Bowl halftime show idea gone rogue.
At press time, one Danish official simply sighed, “We’ve seen the lighthearted Twitter wars, but tariffs for territory is bold even by 2026 standards.” The Greenlandic people themselves — who have repeatedly stated they prefer self-determination to becoming America’s 51st state — are reportedly responding with mass protests, chanting slogans like “Hands Off Our Icebergs!” at Copenhagen and Nuuk rallies.
Former Viking reenactors in Scandinavia were overheard saying, “At least back then, if someone wanted land, they sent a berserker.” They suggested that maybe a horned helmet charge would have been less complicated than threatening tariffs that could unravel NATO.
In the end, Trump’s new approach to international relations — the Consultative Tariff Tango — seems to hinge on three principles: buy, bully, or boogie your way to success. Only time will tell whether this strategy deepens alliances or leaves Brussels tapping its foot in bewilderment.
And Greenland? They’re reportedly considering applying for UN Observer Status for Icebergs — a diplomatic role that, as one Greenlandic spokesperson put it, “sounds cooler than negotiating tariffs.”
