TRUMP GOES FULL FROSTBITE DIPLOMACY
President Trump, ever the showman, decided the best place for world peace is somewhere your eyelashes freeze in three seconds. “Nothing says unity like shared hypothermia,” Trump allegedly told aides.
PUTIN LOVES THE VIEW, AND THE TERRITORY
Sources claim Putin requested Alaska because “he’s always liked the look of it.” Aides swore he only meant “from afar,” but maps mysteriously vanished from the Situation Room.
ZELENSKYY’S RSVP: “MAYBE, IF THERE’S HOT COCOA”
Ukrainian President Zelenskyy is reportedly weighing the invite. “If I’m going to be third wheel to a bromance, I want marshmallows,” he was overheard saying.
WHITE HOUSE PREPS THE MOOSE SECURITY DETAIL
Insiders say the Secret Service is training local moose to patrol the summit, “just in case Canada gets ideas.”
MAGA BLIZZARD OF VICTORY
Trump promises the Alaska talks will end “like every Trump deal—America first, Russia impressed, Ukraine grateful, and everyone slightly frostbitten but totally winning.”
